Introducing The New Lowered Bar Phone!

I spent some time in what we’re still calling the Annex. I know, I know, we have to come up with a better name for that hive of scum and villainy. My main focus is getting the Lowered off the ground-solid pun, BTW. Much like King Orangey’s quote that a lot of folks are too stupid to be horribly offended by, right now, when it comes to the Annex, “I don’t think about The Annex’s financial situation.” The Annex seems pleased with that statement, those clowned fools.

While tending the bar and listening to the 50^th GD Jason Aldean song in a row, there was a lot of debate over the alleged “Trump Phone,” currently known as the T1. It seems the most gullible of the gullible put deposits down on the phone moons ago, and-shocker!-still don’t have the phone. Trump Mobile (ironic corp name since the real Trump is anything but mobile) suddenly now claims the phones are “coming.” (The Lowered already has a pool going when Trump Mobile will announce the T1 has been delayed for “two weeks.”)

Look, not to brag, but over the years, I’ve hitched my wagon to some pretty permanent technologies; physical music, digital cameras and robot vacuums to name just a few. I know an opportunity when I see one. It is with that in mind I proudly announce…

The TLB Phone!

Codenamed TLB1, we are super excited to unleash this utter piece of shit to those waiting for their Trump Mobile T1. Let’s take a look at the features that set this piece of dogshit apart from the T1 piece of dogshit.

First, I am sure no one in their rational mind is remotely familiar with the T1, so here’s what it is supposed to look like, as of today

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Wait, that might be wrong. It might look like this

The gold standard of gauche. 

Or it could also look like this

Fugly

Which of course is a low level knock off of a low level knock off, multiple sources report this:

Many of those reports refute Dump’s claim that the phone is made in the USA. Just about all of his tchotchkes are made in 3^rd world countries, so there is little reason to doubt that. We all know he is the most favorite dictator in polls of 3^rd world child labor.

You’re right to ask, “Yo, Kev, what separates the TLB piece of shit from the sleepy pedo’s piece of shit?” Friend, I’m glad you asked. Let’s take a look at what makes the TLB the must have vanity phone of the season.

Let’s talk about the colors (ahem, I said the colors for the racists hard of hearing out there.)

While the T1 comes in what can only be called “trailer trash gold,” the TLB 1 comes in 4 fashionable colors; Cheeto Orange, Yellow Belly, Arian White and at an extra charge American Flag Blue. Being honest here, if American Flag Blue is your thing, order now because the price just shot up again. And again. Wow, and again! We can have the discussion about why color matters when you just put it in a case later on. And yes, we do have cases in the exact same color, with American Flag Blue priced higher, you dumb rubes.

Our tax money, hard at work. Does this make the pool more reflectory? (Yes, I made that up, not a typo.)

 

 

Next up the features. To keep it simple for the mentally challenged, the TLB only runs on 2G.

I mean you still get wifi, the advantage is propaganda channels like OAN, Fox News, Fox Business and several podcasts still come in loud and clear. And don’t worry, we tested these in the basements of right wingers, and the wifi is still strong enough to connect. Mostly.

We love music here at TLB, and the TLB 1 comes preloaded with Kid Rock’s entire catalog. Don’t worry about deleting it, it automatically reinstalls. And we don’t stop there, it also comes preloaded with the catalogs of Morgan Wallen, Aarons Lewis and Tippen, P Diddy, David Allen Coe and R Kelly. I am sure there are more racist singers I am not aware of. And I’m also sure you guys can tell me all about it.

Now let’s talk apps. Because we all know we need to spend more time staring at our tiny, life-sucking boxes doomscrolling. Spoiler alert, the bar is only getting lower. Of course this comes with a premium Truth Social account, for an extra 4.95 a month. Yes, Truth Social is free (I think), but if you gullible sheep are happy paying north of $5 for gas, you should be used to paying a nice guy like me more for nothing. It's lower than the price of just one gallon of gas! For now. You have heard of Trump Steaks? And Trump University? And Trump Mobile? And Trump Mortgage? And Trump RX? A premium feature of this premium account is SpellCheck permanently turned off. We also provide a free 90 subscription to the KidFuckers app Yea, don’t worry, apparently most people don’t seem to worry about this sort of thing. You guys sure don’t seem too concerned.

TLB 1 comes with a nameless virtual assistant named Nameless that takes the blame for racist and homophobic user posts. That’s right, you can scream all the whack shit you think, then blame it on someone else. Everyone wins and no one gets hurt! Like the T1 and all other Trump merch, this will be made oversees from the tiny-but talented- hands of Congo children. But we offer them performance based incentives like free trips to Epstein island.

Of course, all these apps are unsecured, so no worries texting vital messages. If Signal is good enough for Kash Patel, it’s mighty fine for you, low commoner.

OK, bit of a thread jack here, when I keep saying T1, does anyone flash back to this?

How many times I spelled boobs on this one.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out this phone is absolutely compatible with TLB phone jail, that is available at out merch store. Which is a good thing, because who could possibly deal with the embarrassment of a diminished relative tweeting whack shit at all hours of the night? No, that’s not worrisome behavior. Fine, fine, perfectly fine.

Cross merchandising, baby!

Speaking of, the calculator interface exactly matches TLB calculator. Which also, happens to be  available for sale at TLB merch store. It’s 500% more better than other calculators! And, as a special bonus, each TLB1 phone comes with a 10% off deal for anything at TLB merch store!

Nonrefundable $400 deposits for TLB 1 are being taken now. This price will not be steep at all when you get the refund check for all the illegal tariffs. Actual phones will start to ship in…wait for it….waaitt for it….2 weeks! *Please note there will be a slight upcharge for anyone not white. Or male. Or “Christian.” Or a citizen. Or a liberal. But this isn’t an issue for most people, just be ready to have all the paperwork for completion of sale! With all of these fantastic features, I almost forgot to mention the price. It’s a deal at a cost of GO FUCK YOU, MORON! Who are you going to call to complain? Ha ha ha!

PAC Content

If this post seems a bit rushed and light on the visuals, you’re right. And I’m fucking angry about it-in case you couldn’t pick that up. Here’s why. As I’m sure you all read in the last awesome TLB Merch Store post, I went deep into AI imagery. I had the same ideas for this one. Until, with no warning AI dropped the capability to edit and even create original imagery. I’ve mostly been using Co-Pilot. And I even had some images I was refining. Images like these.

You can see what I was going for. And then, minutes later, it told me it no longer had the capability to do anything with pictures. Even though it just did, and did 2 weeks ago for the previous post. And, TBH, I got very angry, very quick. I called Co-Pilot literally every name in the book. I used every insult I could say, and much like the MAGA sheep, it still kept coming back. Yes, I got into an argument with AI, and, yes, I sorely need a real job fast.

As I went into other AI (Gemini, Claude, GPT), the issue with the free versions (you did see I’m still unemployed, right?) you get a very low limit on the questions you can ask. And it can take multiple attempts to dial the image in. Like every other unemployed loser, I use AI to create fantastic lies with my various resumes. I mean, like no one is going to verify the lies I made up about old jobs that don’t exist anymore, right?  And they all differ with what I can do with political images. It’s a huge clusterfuck for a blog no one reads. So, yea, if you or anyone you know is actually good with PhotoShop, can ya hook a brother up. Don’t worry, I’ll be exactly like Trump and not fucking pay them. ZING!

And this makes me rethink the idea I had with the last entry to actually post parts of the discussion I have with AI to dial the images in. Is it really worth it at this point? Yes, I think it will be funny (like ALL my stuff) and insightful, but is there a point to it? Shout me your thoughts.

Let’s be honest, I feel pretty confident that NO AI would allow me to create an app called Kid Fuckers. Only politicians have that power.

When I woke up today, it was like there was a voice (at least a new voice with all the other ones I hear) that said, “Today, you must use your unique gifts to give the world yet another anti Trump post, but please weave in Get Smart, Lionel Richie and Texas Instruments.” You’re welcome, world!

Yes, the format is shit, something about one of the pics screwed everything else up. I appreciate y’all putting up with it, my tolerance for further bullshit today is low.

The Lowered Bar Merch Store Is Open

Friends (and creditors) I have some exciting news! The Lowered Bar Merch Store is now open! I am excited to share this first drop with you. Spend recklessly!

First things first. We’ve finally decided on some common logos-nudniks now call this “branding.” Here is our first waves of logos that you will see running through our merch.

Primary logo

Looks pretty legit, right? Not people’s faces on monkeys legit, but pretty regal. Like a beagle. You might be seeing that lowered limbo bar popping up in future drops. Note that cool TLB circle logo?

That  circle logo will be running through some of our merch, giving it a classy look.

 

And if there’s one thing we’ve learned from our sports teams, everyone loves alternate logos! Here’s one of ours, in classic tavern font. Now, onto our first merch drop.

HATS

The Classic True MAGA cap

Starting with the classic red Make Affordable Gas Again. Since we launched this bad boy, the only thing that has gone up more than the price of gas is the profits of said gas companies. Moron or not, we can all agree the price of gas is too damn high.

$20

 

The Respect Cap

A simple white hat with block gold embroidered TLB on front, alternate logo on back, and an important reminder to show respect printed under the brim. Never be out of etiquette with this one.

$20

 

 

 

More hats coming in our second drop.

 

HOCKEY JERSEYS
We love hockey here at TLB. To celebrate the best time of year in sports, we have a limited line up of hockey jerseys with special edition logos! Think of these as the alternate jerseys! Nothing says diehard fan with money to burn than to buy jerseys that are only worn a handful of times, then quickly replaced! This is for the true fan!

Classic jerseys

Two stylish choices! Our Felon 34 is a bar favorite, and only comes in sizes XXL and larger. That won’t fit? No worries for our smaller friends, we have the XS and S only of Patel 6…..7. Limited supply of both. We really do need to do a better job of sizing on these items.

$175

What’s that, you have more money left? Here are the alternate logo jerseys with our classic Felon 34! All sizes available.

$225

While we’re near the sporting goods of TLB Merch Store, check out these baddies

TLB golf balls

Perfect for when you’re spending 25% of your time golfing! These classily branded golf balls come in real handy for any of these common situations

                Golfing when you’re supposed to be working

                Golfing for when the rest of us are actually working

                Perfect to deflect from unnecessary wars

                Perfect to deflect from a sagging economy

                Great to take one’s mind off a trove of files saying you’re a pedo

                Wonderful escape from record low approval ratings. (Though not as low as your golf score, Club Champ!)

                Makes everyone forget about gas being $5 a GD gallon

                Reward for taking away minority and women’s access to vote

45 balls for $86

 

 

TECH/OFFICE

The Lowered Bar branded Roku remote

Right, why does one need this? Well, this is a special TLB commissioned remote. The breakthrough we’re happy to announce here is this remote will allow television consumers to -get this- CHANGE CHANNELS! That’s right, no more brain rot watching the fake news of Fox News. Imagine your deluded friend actually having the ability to navigate away from OAN (is that even a real channel, or just extremists buying public access hours?) to watch a different point of view. This TLB remote allows users to access such networks as CNN, Comedy Central and MS-as well as a zillion other channels (note, tv/cable/streaming services offered separately ) Personalities like Colbert, Kimmel, Maddow all available here, as well as people like Hannity, Kelly, Ingraham and Gutfeld.

$11.99 (batteries not included)

 

The Lowered Bar Phone Jail

Talk about a life saver! We all have that one uncle who tweets patently offensive stuff over night. Let’s save him the embarrassment of looking like a whack job idiot who is easily susceptible to any crack pot theory. And look, let’s be real here, this is a gift of true compassion. Dementia is a fucking horror, and we need to protect those clearly suffering from it. As you’re feeding your crazy uncle their third dinner of Mc Donald’s, just take their phone, place it is this jail, and lock it up till the morning. Everyone will thank you!

$199 (like you can put a price on something like this. But we did anyway.)

TLB Approved Calculator

                                    

Look at that beaut! Why use your phone, when you can look mad smart with this sleek and stylish hand held calculator? (Anyone else hearing The Price is Right music behind some of these descriptions?) Perfect for that Republi … uh, friend who is mathematically challenged. You’ll notice the big innovation here is dedicated percentages off buttons. Easy peasy for those tricky word problems. Plus, for our first 100 buyers (which also just happens to be the exact amount we have in stock) a free copy of Math for Idiots, so you don’t go embarrassing yourself in public. Or court hearings.

$19.99 (book comes free)

Calculator can also be used for-

TLB Prefilled Bribe Envelopes

Need to support a dictator? Need to support a nepo project? Need to curry favor for your media company? Need access to personal data? Need influence? These TLB Bribery Envelopes are perfect for you! Just fill out your name and amount, and consider it done! You won’t find these bad boys at Staples! Perfect for lower ranking officials as well.

10 envelopes for $15

The Lowered Bar dry erase calendar

               

This is an absolute must have for the executive who can’t keep track of time. Need to figure out when you have to let Congress know about a war? Constantly procrastinate important events by telling the underlings, “That’s about 2 weeks away. We’ll have it figured out by then.” Need to know when you have to TACO? Lost track of how many times to claim you’ve won the same war? The 3 days a week you're golfing? Scheduling in nap times? Hey, that’s a lot! Let this wall calendar keep track. With the TLB touch of Cheeto dust finger prints, this is great for the executive, officer or grifter.

 

HOME

The Lowered Bar Cushions

Take a little bit of the Bar back with you. Even we’re shocked how classy these cushions look, yet they will go with any décor. Super comfy, stylish and stuffed with shredded copies of the Constitution and unused KN95 masks, these fit any home and any décor. Sold as a set, with our 3 different logos.

Set of 3 for $79.99

Oh, my friends, but wait, there is more…

“Sexy” Lowered Bar Cushions

For the cushion lover in your circle. Oh, come on, we all have one. That one squirrelly looking dude you can’t leave alone with your couch after a few Skinny Girl Margaritas. We work very “hard” to cater to our perv crowd. You don’t even want to know the back and forth we had with our supplier to make these happen.

Available in white

               

Also available in a “couples” edition

               

Set of 3 (either set) $99.99 and no fucking questions asked

 

The Lowered Bar Dictionary

Look, words are difficult, we understand. It takes a lot for a competent brain to string together a bunch of words coherently. We realize this is a true need for some folks. For them, we created the TLB dictionary; the innovations being no large words, lots of pictures-some of which can be colored!, spelling, capitalization, proper use, phonetic pronunciations. This book will make any moron look…well we can’t say more competent, but it’s fair to say no less competent.

               

VARIOUS GOODS

TLB Caffeine Pills

               

A staff favorite to help us through our longer shifts. Why keep these to ourselves? Each individual pill packs 400 mg caffeine, where as most other bitchass pills stop at 250 mgs. These pills are a godsend for staying awake during meetings, funerals, televised press conferences, roundtables, Board of Peace meetings, documentary screenings and various summits. You need the energy, these caff pills give you a big, beautiful burst of energy.

One bottle (200 pills) $29.99

TLB Temp Tattoos

Temp tattoos are a great and fun way to express your individuality and help spread the TLB love. Coming in multiple sizes, these are particularly great for parties, distinguishing twins, hiding unsightly blemishes and suspect bruising. Pictures from actual buyers:

               

 

               

                Pack of 15 temp tattoos, various sizes $26.99

But wait, there’s more. For a limited time, we’re giving away a special, very special gift with any order. No minimum purchase! Just our way of thanking you for supporting an independent business like The Lowered. Any thing you buy gets you this very unlimited

               

The Best Whatever Award! That’s right, for doing absolutely nothing special or noteworthy, you get an award! This award look particularly great with other participation awards, meaningless online certifications, gaudy self portraits and Big Mouth Billy Bass! Just another way we appreciate you, our cherished Lowered Bar customer.

We’re already working on our second drop, which will feature the unveiling of our t-shirt line, hats and more unique merchandise that shows your support of The Lowered Bar. Stay tuned. In the meantime, buy recklessly.

 

PAC Content

By far, the heaviest AI imaging I’ve done. If viewing on your phone, I recommend blowing up the images, because there are some good Easter eggs for the discerning viewer.

With all the AI, I saved the “conversations” I had with the AI to get the images I envisioned. I saved them, and sooner rather than later, look for a behind the scenes follow up to this post. Suffice it to say, the dialogue is pretty ridiculous. I’m pretty sure I’m flagged somewhere for some of this shit.

If you do like this sort of content, please do me a huge solid and subscribe to the blog here on the TLB site. I suspect that these posts get lost in the algorithm (since all social media are owned by true jackals, AKA Trump supporters). You’re free to share the link as well. Much like Trump, I make zero money from this job. But I will accept bribes. I know where you can get some envelopes.

Yes, I am actively working on the second TLB merch drop. I have too many ideas for just one post.

Yes, The Lowered Bar is MAGA Friendly

 

It has come to my attention that there is a bunch of fake news circulating about The Lowered Bar. I would like to take this opportunity to clear the air and spread some alternative facts. Especially before the weekend rush.

The mainstream media will have you believe The Lowered Bar is not MAGA friendly. This is 100% untrue, another lie spread around the mainstream media. In fact, we have a dedicated MAGA Annex for our red hat wearing friends. Follow me for the tour.

You’ll be happy to know the Annex has it’s own entrance for your convenience. Just look for the sign

For the safety or our MAGA snowfl…uh customers, we have a different door policy. We don’t ID wink wink. However, we won’t admit independent women, the dirty Blacks, gays, the dirty illegals (they stay in the kitchen, just like at Maralago), non-Christians, anyone ANTIFA, the dirty poors, Iranians, doctors, scientists, scholars, college graduates, the dirty libtards and any Dems.

Past the door, we have a curated experience just for you. All TVs show Fox News all the time. On the walls, you’ll see newspaper headlines and pictures of His Holiness along with the most attended inauguration ever! Lots of Redskins memorabilia. Good luck trying to find a windmill in this room, hell we removed all the fans because we don’t want our dear patrons getting cancer.

I think we all remember the bigly inauguration. 

No fake news here!

You’ll also feel at home with the 10 Commandments prominently displayed. Although some rascal sneaks in and constantly defaces it by writing “HE BROKE THEM ALL!”

Also, no factual newspapers allowed. Instead, we have lots of Bibles. And not just any Bible friends, no, no, no. We have the official God Bless the USA Bible that our King just happened to endorse for $300k. We have lots of great debate over how many Commandments our King has actually not broken.

More fun elements for you: constant air freshening. We don’t serve that tranny beer Bud Light. Overhead music is nothing but Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Wayne Newton, Loretta Lynn (yup, surprised me, too) Kanye West, Jason Aldean, Billy Ray Cyrus, Nicki Minaj and a bunch of tertiary artists we’ve never heard of.

We love your photos, and we have lots of fun opportunities for you. For example, you want to look like Jesus? TLB got ya!

Wanna look like a doctor? We got ya!

Wanna look like you work for the Red Cross? You’re not gonna believe this…

 

We also have a new cardboard standee of JD Vance for photo ops. Much like the real thing, it just stands there, not accomplishing anything. Wait, is that thing breathing?!? Fuck, I'll be right back.

Speaking of JDV, we have the sexiest damn couch cushions in town! All of our seating is reinforced for the typical MAGA customers “carriage.” RFK sure has a lot of work to do! Speaking of, we just got in some racoon penis for your own study. They also work great as tooth picks and ear wax removers. You wanna see our Health Inspections? Ha, we don’t need ‘em because we MAHA!

We’re also exclusively offering a commemorative 2026 FIFA Peace Prize replica. Like the real thing, you don’t even have to earn it or start more wars! A steal at $599, or personalized for $899. Looks great in the basement.

Make your own Tiny Hands jokes with this one

The Annex also has high class bathrooms for the discriminating MAGA customer. All hand sanitizer has been replaced with spray tan (the non causing cancer and dementia kind, we’re pretty sure.) Plenty of deodorant. Your bathroom also features airplane bottles of bleach in case you’re feeling COVIDy. There’s also some weird holes in the walls we’re not too sure about.

The Annex also has it’s own menu, with some items spelled out phonetically. (No, friend, there actually is no ‘t’ in ‘filet.’) Your dedicated bar has ice. Lots of ice. Lots and lots of ice. Please don’t be alarmed if your ice appears yellow, the EPA is pretty lax around here. Please note, there may be a slight upcharge in the beer because of the Straight of Hormuz situation. But, hey, that’s the “sacrifice for national security” y’all so happy to be paying at the pumps, right? Also, the Annex does not recycle. We take all the garbage and throw in it in the green space across the street. And it just magically floats away…

Since I am an empathic soul, I do my best to hire the ‘unhirables’ here at The Lowered. People who don’t have a ton of skill, experience and likely wouldn’t be hired anywhere else. Please be patient with them. They may even look familiar. Their names are Kristy, Pam, Greg and Todd. Please don’t be short with them, especially Greg. I had some woman in here last week looking for a job named Mullania? (The woman, not the job.)

I would also not be doing my job if I didn’t bring up that the Annex (really, I gotta come up with a better name for it) is available to rent. We can accommodate large groups. Hell, we had a fine group meeting here last Tuesday. Pretty sure these are a bunch of our regulars as well.

A fine bunch of folks

These crazy kids from Charlottesville are booked for next month. Hope Home Depot is well stocked.

So please keep The Lowered Bar and our Annex in mind for your food, drink, meeting and satire needs. The Annex can be accessed under the new construction of the White House Ballroom. See you at Happy Hour!

 

PAC Extras

This is one of those rare times when an idea comes to me, and I can be happy with what I bang out in a relatively short amount of time.

AI, JFC, let’s talk about it. Clearly, a lot of these pictures are AI. (Pay close attention, because there are easter eggs in just about all of them.) Some of the ideas turned out spot on, other ones not so much. For example, AI won’t let me use the actual picture of Trump’s documented poorly attended inaugurations, so it gets to be an actual dialog with the AI to get what I want. The hoops I had to jump through just for the newspaper image was stupid.

As a result of all the research for the pictures and ideas, I had to Google and AI some redic terms. For example, my vision for the first picture was to AI that sign over an old timey bar entrance. Guess what, can’t do that, at least if you’re not the president. And as a result of the ‘discussion’ I had with 2 AIs, I’m pretty sure I’ll get a knock on my door right after this goes live. Next time, someone remind me to keep track of what I have to Google/ask AI, because on the surface, I am sure it raises a red flag somewhere. But hopefully in a funny way.

Another easter egg I’m sure no one will get is the Permalink. Don’t worry, I didn’t know what that was at first as well. It’s a search engine optimization (SEO) trick that, theoretically, makes the post easier to find. The thought is to title the post so it pops up easier in search engines. If I just left it as it is, the title would appear something like Yes-Lowered-Bar-is-MAGA-Friendly. Which pops nowhere. Instead, in my usual underappreciated wit and brilliance, the permalink is MAGA-Friendly-bars-near-me. My hope is it finds a bigger audience based on people searching that term. Currently, Google “only” lists 86,000 results for that term. You see the joke now?