The Lowered Bar Summer Merch Drop

 

Ah yes, it’s summer, my favorite time of year. The mood is lighter at The Lowered. Summer cocktails. Summer breezes. Outside dining and day drinking. To celebrate the best season of the year, we’re doing what every other bar does! Cash in. Release our summer and patriotic collection! Yes, it’s time for The Lowered Bar Patriotic Summer Drop. This also coincides with the release of our exclusive NFO collection, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s gear up for a bitchin’ summer, y’all!

The Lowered Bar Red White and Blue Summer Collection-available in the bar and online

We even got ourselves a tent!

 

The 240 Shirt

We will also be repurposing this shirt for next year's 4/20

Let’s face it, many of us-the clear majority actually-feel like the 250^th celebration of America has been corrupted and politicized. This does not mesh well with the rebellious spirit of TLB. So, yea, we’re not on board with the 250 business. America, you were so much cooler at 240. Remember those halcyon days? No hatred, bigotry, racism, sexism. We had good health coverage, our 401Ks, diversity, science, a clean environment, equality. This normalization of hate didn’t happen till 2016. What happened then?

We miss those days. Sure, we had a solid 4 years sandwiched between the last 6. History will look back kindly on the Biden term, especially with the shit show he was sandwiched in between. Yes, America, you were so much more American at 240 than 250. Join us and celebrate with this shirt, shown in white, also available in white, black and blue. $30

 

Happy 8647^th of July

Celebrate this 4^th of July-and every 4^th of July TLB style, snark included. Great for parades and fireworks, picnics with your in breds, uh in-laws. Red only, $30

 

Green Energy

“This is not the pool we’re searching for.” TLB logo emblazoned on the front, and the closest green thing we’ve seen from this administration. Call out another epic fail in style. In blue only. $30

 

What’s that, you want to see what it looks like on? We gotcha covered.

 

MAlgaeGA Cap

Yes, you can now accessorize! Our one size fits all celebrates the surprising return of algae to our everyday vocabulary. This hat is a true ‘reflection’ of our times. Distress flag, 86 and TLB logo make this your go to summer cap. $30

TLB Towel

“On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be.” Perfect for the beach, pool, bathroom, water buffalo and other friendly towel locales. This bad boy is super thirsty and super comfy; like most of our male customers. Little TLB flourishes throughout, can you find them? $45. No, $47, 47 dollars, can’t miss that opportunity.

TLB Water Bottle

So ya have the cap. Ya have the towel. How ‘bout that cold bevvie? Our new water bottle will complete the trifecta. We all know how important hydration is, especially in the hot, humid summer months where grass grows and algae blooms. This water bottle is perfect for all your hydration and intoxication needs. Great from clear liquids, dark liquids or maybe a mix of both. Great for the pool, beach, your car, your boat-wait, you have a boat? The handy dandy loop is great for hanging on hooks, the hammock and travel. If you need yet one more water bottle, this is your go to. And none of the PCB or MSG or whatever that one chemical is. $25

 

TLB Endless Summer T

Hop on this one quick! Because we didn’t get copyright approval first. On orange pigment dyed material, we’re most stoked about this one. Looks damn sharp, right? Patriotic font on chest, and an awesome TLB/Endless Summer collab on the back. OK, this is our favorite shirt of this drop. Get yours now before things get all lawyery up in here. $50

 

For the ladies! We love and respect women here at The LB, so we got some special items just for them

The Shell Bikini T

A classic take on a summer gag shirt, this women’s cut top has a shell bikini logo on the front. It’s always bikini season, now. Classy, distressed tavern font on the back. Great for the summer. Sizes XS through XL. Sorry, no piggies, though. (it’s a fine line.)  $30

TLB Yoga Pants

Yoga pants never go out of season, amirite? With the classic TLB Never Happy Hour design on the lower back/sacrum/tramp stamp area. Just what do these have to do with summer? Don’t really know, don’t really care! Long live the bootie scrunch! Sizing as above. $35 (Girls who wear these into the bar get the first drink for free At least.) Note to self, follow up idea of Yoga Pant Tuesday.

 

And we’re super excited to announce the launch of our limited Never Fucking Orange collection. Made in smaller numbers, and guaranteed to sell out in, say…two weeks. Jump on this fun line while supplies last.

The Classic NFO T

We’re stoked how this turned out. A distressed TLB logo on the front chest, with another possible tagline for this blog. Yes, we are red, white and blue here at The Lowered. But we are….Never. Fucking. Orange. This shirt is perfect for any public space; malls, gyms, restaurants, parks, places of worship, MMA fights etc. This is our sentiment and this is us. Unapologetic. $40

 

The NFO Pastel Yellow Tank

Great for men and women to go guns out! Fabric is a nice, soft yellow pastel, perfect for summer and on. We like this one so much, we got three different designs to choose from. Take your pick.

 

 

 

Here’s a model wearing it. Bro skips leg day, but you get the point

 

The NFO Shot Glass

Sparklers not included. Probably a bad idea around alcohol.

Of course a bar will be offering shot glasses! To be clear, these are tall boy shots, so please drink responsibly. {wink wink}. Gold TLB font logo on front, NFO image that pops on the back no matter what you’re drinking. $25 (if you buy in the bar, first shot is free)

 

PAC Content

GD, Gemini AI is sooooo much easier and fun to use for visuals. I regret it took me this long to figure this out. Fuck Co Pilot

Honestly, the pics are so good this time, I didn't bother to caption most of them

"Anybody Know a Guy?"

         Yea, yea, yea, I know; I’ve been quiet lately. I love me a good summer day, music in my ears, swinging in the sweet breeze whilst in my hammock. Looking at pictures of beaches I’m not at. Summer is the season of “kicking back.” Taking it easy. Enjoying, recharging; night strolls, reading, cicadas, live music. Yup, I’ve been largely checking out of the news lately. Not the best strategy, I know. We live in bizarre times. We get more honest news from the former host of The Man Show than the actual president. Honestly, it hurts to write/think about some of this stuff. I already got enough shit in my worId, I don’t need any more of the orange squirts. I know the webs have been missing my necessary style of insight, sarcasm, wit, humor and honesty. It’s a calling I sometimes wish I didn’t feel.

The bad news comes faster than all my job rejection emails. It’s fucking hard to keep up with Don "Algae" Trump.  (That's a fucking smart and witty phonetic joke, I don't care what side of the fence you are on.) As soon as I come up with a joke, there’s been 15 more epic errors that appear. It’s hard to keep up with for just one guy. I mean, Kimmel has a staff of writers. The Daily Show has multiple hosts and writers. (Speaking of, anyone else developing a borderline unhealthy crush on Desi Lydic? She put the fox in Foxplain. I’d write with her any day. Multiple times.)

 

Umm...yes.

Now that we’re in the summertime, the cartels at Home Depot and Lowes will have you believe you are living in a hovel, and NOW is the time to fix up the ol’ dump you live in. Don’t forget the landscaping either, amigo. Summer is the perfect time for new doors, windows, appliances, bathroom re-dos, flooring, lighting, big white tarps, flowers, maybe frame out some new walls. Yup, summer is the perfect time for all of that; until we get to the fall. Woo boy, don’t get me started about the shit to do in the fall. Of course, good luck doing all this, because the price of everything has shot up over the last few months. Word is the 20 foot skeleton will now set you back the price of a ticket to UFC 250.

The 20 foot skeleton is slightly cheaper than a real skeleton. So I hear.

Now I’m thinking it’s time to spruce up the Lowered and especially the Annex. (Yes, the Annex will be going under a name change shortly. That seems to be the in thing lately.) To be clear, none of this is my specialty. I just look at a hammer and I bleed. I need some help here, and I’m hoping that’s where you come in. I have lots of ideas I want to get done in short order. Ideas like-

A reflecting pool for The Annex

Turns out due to some sketchy concrete, I now have a recessed, rectangular space right by the Annex. Originally, my idea was to get-ahem-donors to pay. Ideally, the actual customers of the Annex. I’ve slowly been raising the price of a pint of beer. And when said customers grumble, I immediately said they are fucking unAmerican and to look at their bank account. They quickly shut their sheep mouths, and paid up. Unlike the water currently in the reflecting pool, it has now become clear to me, I need government assistance. It’s a small foot print, think 5x10. My initial estimate was 2 million dollars. The Annex denizens didn’t want to pay, so now the most logical thing is I need the tax payers to pay. I took a second look, and with new irrigation, low cost dark paint, a zillion gallons of hydrogen peroxide, the estimate is now 47 million dollars. Features I desire

                A slimy Hulk green pee color to the water

                A sealant that will peel up in a few days

                Unchecked algae growth. Algae makes penicillin, right? Score!

                Ideally, this is a ‘no bid’ contract

Seriously, this is the guy who did the reflecting pool. For real. Not a joke, not AI. Yes, he really does look like a bad guy from a Bullwinkle cartoon.

                Preferably, go overbudget, and incur astronomical upkeep costs

                Unrelated, the National Guard needs to keep vigil over this. I’m pretty sure there is nothing going on anywhere else, that I can use them here.

So……uh….. “Anybody know a guy?”

 

Massive upgrade to the Annex

Uh, yea, I failed to realize the square footage here is woefully inaccurate for whatever it is we do here. My vision is 25,000 square feet. This is about 25x the original footprint. Possibly some underground space, drone protection for some reason. Specifically-

                Originally, some ‘donors’ would pay

                That is not likely to happen, so instead I need some grifter to secure about $100 million in government funding. But be prepared to ask for double that.

                Preferably this money can be swindled from sick people, higher taxes, the poors and the like

                Someone who can knock part of the Annex down with no silly permits or government approval. (I already started.) If we move quick enough, no one can stop us!

                Like, solid gold everything. The gaudy factor needs to be high here.

                Again, no bid contract.

                I plan to have the biggest balls here. The best balls in the history of the world.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

We need to raise the visibility of both bars.

The Lowered Bar Arch

Nothing raises visibility and goodwill than a good old fashioned vanity project that is not needed. The idea here is to place a totally unnecessary arch somewhere in town. And slap the shit out of it with tacky TLB logos, scary sea shells, 86 47s. Knuckledraggers see this and immediately come running. Makes sense, right? I’m already calling it The Lowered Barch. What I need here

                Make it look authoritarian, but not “too authoritarian”

I asked AI to come up with a more offensive image. The message I got back: 

That image can't be generated due to Microsoft's code of conduct. Please start a new conversation

 

                At least 250 feet tall, tall enough to ruin the view of anything. From any perspective. Bonus points if it can scrape the bottom of a plane.

                Make this a priority over such meaningless things like health care, women’s rights, a senseless war we just gave away, education, science, etc

                A large piece of land I can call imminent domain over and swindle for free

                I dunno, I guess like an architect or 2? Maybe I need them for the Annex upgrade, too?

“Anybody know a guy?”

Trump GD whitewashing again

Somewhat related, I will also need big white tarps for this project, as well as the rename of The Annex

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

Also, to raise awareness we need an event, some kind of cheesy spectacle….hmm…I can put in the parking lot….hmmm. OK, thinking out loud here-

                Bumifights still a thing?

                Anyone have friends over at the Slap Fight League or whatever it’s called?

                But strictly highbrow stuff. ESPN Ocho type events. Slippery stairs? Coffin wrestling? Coffin racing? Bubble gum blowing championships? Pillow fighting? Lingerie Football League still around? I need to appeal to the discerning consumer here with wads of money to blow.

                Again, I don’t wanna pay for any of this. So I will likely need corporate sponsors. Who’s got the hook up? (Pretty sure Monster was none too happy sponsoring an event where the human pillow fell asleep yet again.)

I'm sure the fine folks at Monster really appreciated this image.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

Now, on the off chance I don’t get the gubbermint to cover all this nonsense, I might have to raise some of this capital myself. What’s a quick way to shake down the rubes with some worthless nonsense?

Crypto!

                I have no idea how this works, and I’m pretty sure no one else does.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

Commemorative Coins!

                I would like to sell a small piece of metal for an exorbitant price that holds no value. I even went ahead and did the mock up.

                                                                                                   

“So…uh…anybody know a guy?”

               

Also, I need this all done within 2 weeks.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

PAC Content

All the sports I listed in the ESPN Ocho joke are real sports that air on Ocho or bizarre Roku channels. Yes, I am still looking for a job.

Half baked or out of place jokes I edited out, but put here:

He couldn’t drain a swamp, it’s a reach to think he can even drain a pool correctly.

He claims most of the debris hauled out of the reflecting pool was from the Obama era. Like, how would he even know? But then again, he does have a history of dating trash. (BAZING!)

Alternate titles for the reflecting pool now; The Orange Fool and His Green Pool, Snowflake Lake, The Deflecting Pool

Good on Friday, Co Pilot AI using 86 and 47 for the gold coin image. Suddenly no good on Sunday, using 86 and 47 for TLB arch. Co Pilot should be the garbage that was dredged from the pool. Probably Obama has something to do with it.

That being said, I did use up my brief free allotment on Playground, and got as close as this. If you’re a musician, think of this as a demo for song.

Subsequently, I started using Gemini, and have found the experience wwaayyyyy better. Fuck Co Pilot.