Yes, The Lowered Bar is MAGA Friendly

 

It has come to my attention that there is a bunch of fake news circulating about The Lowered Bar. I would like to take this opportunity to clear the air and spread some alternative facts. Especially before the weekend rush.

The mainstream media will have you believe The Lowered Bar is not MAGA friendly. This is 100% untrue, another lie spread around the mainstream media. In fact, we have a dedicated MAGA Annex for our red hat wearing friends. Follow me for the tour.

You’ll be happy to know the Annex has it’s own entrance for your convenience. Just look for the sign

For the safety or our MAGA snowfl…uh customers, we have a different door policy. We don’t ID wink wink. However, we won’t admit independent women, the dirty Blacks, gays, the dirty illegals (they stay in the kitchen, just like at Maralago), non-Christians, anyone ANTIFA, the dirty poors, Iranians, doctors, scientists, scholars, college graduates, the dirty libtards and any Dems.

Past the door, we have a curated experience just for you. All TVs show Fox News all the time. On the walls, you’ll see newspaper headlines and pictures of His Holiness along with the most attended inauguration ever! Lots of Redskins memorabilia. Good luck trying to find a windmill in this room, hell we removed all the fans because we don’t want our dear patrons getting cancer.

I think we all remember the bigly inauguration. 

No fake news here!

You’ll also feel at home with the 10 Commandments prominently displayed. Although some rascal sneaks in and constantly defaces it by writing “HE BROKE THEM ALL!”

Also, no factual newspapers allowed. Instead, we have lots of Bibles. And not just any Bible friends, no, no, no. We have the official God Bless the USA Bible that our King just happened to endorse for $300k. We have lots of great debate over how many Commandments our King has actually not broken.

More fun elements for you: constant air freshening. We don’t serve that tranny beer Bud Light. Overhead music is nothing but Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Wayne Newton, Loretta Lynn (yup, surprised me, too) Kanye West, Jason Aldean, Billy Ray Cyrus, Nicki Minaj and a bunch of tertiary artists we’ve never heard of.

We love your photos, and we have lots of fun opportunities for you. For example, you want to look like Jesus? TLB got ya!

Wanna look like a doctor? We got ya!

Wanna look like you work for the Red Cross? You’re not gonna believe this…

 

We also have a new cardboard standee of JD Vance for photo ops. Much like the real thing, it just stands there, not accomplishing anything. Wait, is that thing breathing?!? Fuck, I'll be right back.

Speaking of JDV, we have the sexiest damn couch cushions in town! All of our seating is reinforced for the typical MAGA customers “carriage.” RFK sure has a lot of work to do! Speaking of, we just got in some racoon penis for your own study. They also work great as tooth picks and ear wax removers. You wanna see our Health Inspections? Ha, we don’t need ‘em because we MAHA!

We’re also exclusively offering a commemorative 2026 FIFA Peace Prize replica. Like the real thing, you don’t even have to earn it or start more wars! A steal at $599, or personalized for $899. Looks great in the basement.

Make your own Tiny Hands jokes with this one

The Annex also has high class bathrooms for the discriminating MAGA customer. All hand sanitizer has been replaced with spray tan (the non causing cancer and dementia kind, we’re pretty sure.) Plenty of deodorant. Your bathroom also features airplane bottles of bleach in case you’re feeling COVIDy. There’s also some weird holes in the walls we’re not too sure about.

The Annex also has it’s own menu, with some items spelled out phonetically. (No, friend, there actually is no ‘t’ in ‘filet.’) Your dedicated bar has ice. Lots of ice. Lots and lots of ice. Please don’t be alarmed if your ice appears yellow, the EPA is pretty lax around here. Please note, there may be a slight upcharge in the beer because of the Straight of Hormuz situation. But, hey, that’s the “sacrifice for national security” y’all so happy to be paying at the pumps, right? Also, the Annex does not recycle. We take all the garbage and throw in it in the green space across the street. And it just magically floats away…

Since I am an empathic soul, I do my best to hire the ‘unhirables’ here at The Lowered. People who don’t have a ton of skill, experience and likely wouldn’t be hired anywhere else. Please be patient with them. They may even look familiar. Their names are Kristy, Pam, Greg and Todd. Please don’t be short with them, especially Greg. I had some woman in here last week looking for a job named Mullania? (The woman, not the job.)

I would also not be doing my job if I didn’t bring up that the Annex (really, I gotta come up with a better name for it) is available to rent. We can accommodate large groups. Hell, we had a fine group meeting here last Tuesday. Pretty sure these are a bunch of our regulars as well.

A fine bunch of folks

These crazy kids from Charlottesville are booked for next month. Hope Home Depot is well stocked.

So please keep The Lowered Bar and our Annex in mind for your food, drink, meeting and satire needs. The Annex can be accessed under the new construction of the White House Ballroom. See you at Happy Hour!

 

PAC Extras

This is one of those rare times when an idea comes to me, and I can be happy with what I bang out in a relatively short amount of time.

AI, JFC, let’s talk about it. Clearly, a lot of these pictures are AI. (Pay close attention, because there are easter eggs in just about all of them.) Some of the ideas turned out spot on, other ones not so much. For example, AI won’t let me use the actual picture of Trump’s documented poorly attended inaugurations, so it gets to be an actual dialog with the AI to get what I want. The hoops I had to jump through just for the newspaper image was stupid.

As a result of all the research for the pictures and ideas, I had to Google and AI some redic terms. For example, my vision for the first picture was to AI that sign over an old timey bar entrance. Guess what, can’t do that, at least if you’re not the president. And as a result of the ‘discussion’ I had with 2 AIs, I’m pretty sure I’ll get a knock on my door right after this goes live. Next time, someone remind me to keep track of what I have to Google/ask AI, because on the surface, I am sure it raises a red flag somewhere. But hopefully in a funny way.

Another easter egg I’m sure no one will get is the Permalink. Don’t worry, I didn’t know what that was at first as well. It’s a search engine optimization (SEO) trick that, theoretically, makes the post easier to find. The thought is to title the post so it pops up easier in search engines. If I just left it as it is, the title would appear something like Yes-Lowered-Bar-is-MAGA-Friendly. Which pops nowhere. Instead, in my usual underappreciated wit and brilliance, the permalink is MAGA-Friendly-bars-near-me. My hope is it finds a bigger audience based on people searching that term. Currently, Google “only” lists 86,000 results for that term. You see the joke now?

Pam Bondi Ignores Congress, Thinks She's Better Than You

Another slow day here at the Lowered. By default, I leave an all-news channel on one of the TVs. Bad news is great for alcohol sales, lemme tell ya. When suddenly, a big, bright, red banner appears. “Breaking News.” Which happens a lot on all these 24-hour news channels. And during this pathetic presidency. Again, I have to wonder, “How has the bar been lowered today?” Well, check this out:

So Pam Bondi has ignored her subpoena. After she was fired.

Yup, I made this.

WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING STOCK MARKET NOW, PAM??

She can go fuck herself.

Wait, what? You want more words about this? The above isn’t concise enough analysis? Fine. This in no way will devolve into unbridled happiness. At least for the time being.

This is restrained joy for sure. The victory is temporary. For yet another in a long line of red dunce hat wearing unqualified candidates is surely coming. Any fucking brain-dead moron can have a Kash..uh, cush job in this administration. Trump is the opposite of Indeed, he has a list of the worst candidates to choose from. Can both sides agree this constant parade of hiring unsuitable pinheads, only for them to fuck up even by Orangey’s low standards and be replaced by another dipshit is highly counterproductive? Is the only hiring requirement is the wearing of a red hat? A yellow spine? A spine at all? Like what asshat would want this job?

AI image I title.....Clown Factory. 

I have decided to apply for her job. Whatever it is. Honestly, I just need the job description, AI can handle the rest. No one checks references anymore. I can’t find a job description on LinkedIn. Judging from Pam’s shitbrain performance, I imagine the qualifications are pretty bare:

 

Undying devotion to the sitting Deputy of Dementia

A nose that is brown

Ability to fuck the American people

Ability to sit through Melenia documentary

Proven ability to not answer a goddamn question

High degrees of elitism and ignorance

Aversity to accepting responsibility

Demonstrated ability to protect pedophiles

Easily bribable

Hate anyone that isn’t white. Or straight. Or republican. Or “Christian.” BTW, none of this BS is “Christian” no matter how deep you hide in the bible, heathen.

 

OK, so LinkedIn AI would call me a “low match.” Screw that. Without an ounce of modesty, I am exactly the hero America needs. (GD, another tagline. Also, learning to be brash and out of touch comes quite easy with a little bit of effort.) I’m pretty sure I’d make a kickass … what’s her job title again. She was horrible at it, that I remember, but what exactly was the job she was not doing? Attorney General? (She doesn’t have the aptitude to work at a Dollar General.) Speaker of the House? Press secretary?

The job she was pretending to do is pretty easy. Is it all that hard to release a bunch of files? Is it really that hard to join the rest of the free world and investigate and indict those pieces of shit in the Epstein files? Is it that hard to do what the American people -well, the middle-class ones, anyway-want you to do? If it’s my job to prosecute criminals, fuck, they’re all right there! They all work at the same place! My god, even that other family that’s been in power for generations without doing an actual thing-The Royals-are punishing their own.

I’ve been working on a theory that no one has ever seen Bondi and Karoline Leavett in the same room at the same time. (Pretty sure Ms Photogenic’s time is coming as well) There’s not 3 functioning brain cells between the both of them. Hopefully they will both be in the same room shortly enough-the unemployment office. Is there some sort of vapid cornfield somewhere where Fox News hatches “bubble headed bleached blondes?”

One has a low IQ and a turkey neck. The other one... has a low IQ and turkey neck.

You have to love’s Trump kick out the door, “she will be transitioning to a much needed and important new job in the private sector, to be announced at a date in the near future.” That’s exactly what I’m trying to do! Kismet! Can someone trumpsplain to me how exactly one transitions to an important job to be announced in the future? Maybe she can replace Stifler’s mom as the empty-headed ditz in the Discover commercials?

There’s so many qualified Americans looking for decent jobs. In no world should a soulless goblin like her get any sort of job before the rest of us.

Her and Noem now have the time to have a bougey brunch where they can talk and realize they were the cancer and never the answer. Karma, ya got a real solid start with Noem’s husband, waiting to see your angle with Bondi.

It comes as a shock to no one Bondi is still classless; trying to weasel out of a subpoena. Pretty sure subpoenas are issued to people, not titles, Pam. We can see the Trump elitism in full effect with her efforts to shrug any and all responsibility. C_O_W_A_R_D. How many people were subpoenaed for the Epstein hearings? Bondi, the same moron who couldn’t acknowledge the Epstein survivors in the room also can’t comply with a legal request. The takeaway here is, if I’m ever subpoenaed, there is legal precedent to say, “Crew, totes sorry, but this was issued to a title, which is not me. I gotta go audition for a Discover ad. Best of luck! #blessed.” I’m running out of negative words to describe this cow abortion of an almost human. Can y’all please Mad Lib me some new ones?

History is busy keeping track of all of this. You can fall for the bluster or use a shred of common sense to see the cartoonish level of evil we’re reaching here. If you’re OK with all this, that speaks nothing to your politics and everything to you as a person. At the end of the day, do you identify as a title or a person?

 

PAC Content

Yes, this is a bit dated (originally started on 4/8), but damn, I can’t keep up with Felon 34’s constant lowering of the bar. There is so much stuff to get to, I can’t keep up with the material.

To the above, just so happened today was the day Bondi ignored Congress. That was the sign to finish this up and get it out. So, yes, there is a rush element to this one, but also some solid jokes I’m tired of sitting on. This is a one man operation; which is also likely my readership.

As mentioned, I have more ideas being worked on that I am really excited about. I should get all them out in 2 weeks