What a world we live in. We have the most brazenly corrupt
presidential administration in history. The government is lying to us on the
daily. We get more honest news and op/ed from sources like South Park, The
Daily Show (Hey, Desi, holla at ya boy!) Jimmy Kimmel, Cats on a Couch and of course The
Lowered Bar. History will one day-not soon enough-correctly record Cartman told
more truth than King Pedo. However reluctantly, The LB takes our position in
the Resistance seriously. So we need to talk about the aliveness or deadness of
one Mitch McConnell. We can all agree Mitchy has been brain dead for like the
last 15 years, so it’s only fair the body would catch up. Just so we can get to
the jokes-uh, evidence sooner, we’re all clear there are wild
theories whether or not McConnell is rightfully rotting in Hell.
To dispute this, and thereby save themselves a precious,
precious seat, the Republicans recently offered up a pic on McConnell all
alivey and what not. As is the hallmark of the Trump administration, there was
zero forethought into this, and the pic has now been savagely criticized and
widely rebuked as AI slop. Speaking of AI slop, The LB has recently secured
more additional pictures that clearly show Mitch is alive and well. Sourced
from high ranking Republican officials, granted anonymity. While this seems
highly unlikely, since TLB is an actually fair and balanced quasi-news
organization, you know, like OAN, we will present these unaltered pictures that
are clearly not AI slop. Y’all can decide for y’allselves.
Let’s start the slopfest here
Here are additional photos for your records
Here they are helping drain the reflecting pool. Yet again
Wait, whut!? That doesn’t look right!
OK, that’s more like it. Now, guys, this one is going to
hurt. Multiple sources are telling me that Mitch was here at the Lowered a bit
earlier today, and quite happy to visit us!
Clearly, dead men can’t jump. Or is it white men? I mean, it
can be both, right? Also, please don’t tell, but word is he picked up some of
our “sexy cushions” for JDV.
Ok, now call me crazy here, but all my Republican sources-as
verified by Fox News-somehow got me a picture of Mitchy Poo. Voting. In the
2028 election. Same sources swear he is voting for Trump, as well as anything
that “screws over the Dems, women, minorities, gays, science, morality and
history, among many others…”
Same anonymous sources also sent me this picture of proof of
the very much alive Mitch and the very much alive Lindsay Graham from a group
trip taking place next week. Looks like they are going souvenir shopping
together!
Here’s Mitch getting some gas. Dayum, look at those prices!
Wait. What kind of gas station is that?
OK, that makes sense. Sure do have long ass gas pump lines
there.
(And, yes, there is very likely a Freedom Fuel post in the future.)
Here’s the happy couple participating in an ICE raid from
earlier today. Weird for a date night, but whatever.
Here is non AI slop of a very much alive Mitch McConnell at
a US World Cup game. Red cards be damned, go ‘merica!
Those same sources tell me Mitch is so alive, he’s picked up
a summer job, collecting the toll at the Straight of Hormuz
Now, I’m not saying the family has acknowledged his death,
but unnamed sources have also provided me with this non AI photo evidence that
wifey has moved on
Um, most certainly not AI slop, you Dumocrats!
Thanks for showing you’re still alive, Mitch! High 5!
PAC Content
Gemini be killing it with the visuals. On it’s own it added
TLB flair and Mitch is Alive easter eggs. So I said “give yourself some praise”
and this is what it rewarded me with
Weekend at Bernie’s seems far too obvious. And not offensive
enough, until….
And if you happen to be offended by any of these images-cough, couch, snowflake-but not offended by the AI imagery peddled by the Orange Virus, congrats! You're a hypocrite who hates free speech.
