Yes, The Lowered Bar is MAGA Friendly

 

It has come to my attention that there is a bunch of fake news circulating about The Lowered Bar. I would like to take this opportunity to clear the air and spread some alternative facts. Especially before the weekend rush.

The mainstream media will have you believe The Lowered Bar is not MAGA friendly. This is 100% untrue, another lie spread around the mainstream media. In fact, we have a dedicated MAGA Annex for our red hat wearing friends. Follow me for the tour.

You’ll be happy to know the Annex has it’s own entrance for your convenience. Just look for the sign

For the safety or our MAGA snowfl…uh customers, we have a different door policy. We don’t ID wink wink. However, we won’t admit independent women, the dirty Blacks, gays, the dirty illegals (they stay in the kitchen, just like at Maralago), non-Christians, anyone ANTIFA, the dirty poors, Iranians, doctors, scientists, scholars, college graduates, the dirty libtards and any Dems.

Past the door, we have a curated experience just for you. All TVs show Fox News all the time. On the walls, you’ll see newspaper headlines and pictures of His Holiness along with the most attended inauguration ever! Lots of Redskins memorabilia. Good luck trying to find a windmill in this room, hell we removed all the fans because we don’t want our dear patrons getting cancer.

I think we all remember the bigly inauguration. 

No fake news here!

You’ll also feel at home with the 10 Commandments prominently displayed. Although some rascal sneaks in and constantly defaces it by writing “HE BROKE THEM ALL!”

Also, no factual newspapers allowed. Instead, we have lots of Bibles. And not just any Bible friends, no, no, no. We have the official God Bless the USA Bible that our King just happened to endorse for $300k. We have lots of great debate over how many Commandments our King has actually not broken.

More fun elements for you: constant air freshening. We don’t serve that tranny beer Bud Light. Overhead music is nothing but Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Wayne Newton, Loretta Lynn (yup, surprised me, too) Kanye West, Jason Aldean, Billy Ray Cyrus, Nicki Minaj and a bunch of tertiary artists we’ve never heard of.

We love your photos, and we have lots of fun opportunities for you. For example, you want to look like Jesus? TLB got ya!

Wanna look like a doctor? We got ya!

Wanna look like you work for the Red Cross? You’re not gonna believe this…

 

We also have a new cardboard standee of JD Vance for photo ops. Much like the real thing, it just stands there, not accomplishing anything. Wait, is that thing breathing?!? Fuck, I'll be right back.

Speaking of JDV, we have the sexiest damn couch cushions in town! All of our seating is reinforced for the typical MAGA customers “carriage.” RFK sure has a lot of work to do! Speaking of, we just got in some racoon penis for your own study. They also work great as tooth picks and ear wax removers. You wanna see our Health Inspections? Ha, we don’t need ‘em because we MAHA!

We’re also exclusively offering a commemorative 2026 FIFA Peace Prize replica. Like the real thing, you don’t even have to earn it or start more wars! A steal at $599, or personalized for $899. Looks great in the basement.

Make your own Tiny Hands jokes with this one

The Annex also has high class bathrooms for the discriminating MAGA customer. All hand sanitizer has been replaced with spray tan (the non causing cancer and dementia kind, we’re pretty sure.) Plenty of deodorant. Your bathroom also features airplane bottles of bleach in case you’re feeling COVIDy. There’s also some weird holes in the walls we’re not too sure about.

The Annex also has it’s own menu, with some items spelled out phonetically. (No, friend, there actually is no ‘t’ in ‘filet.’) Your dedicated bar has ice. Lots of ice. Lots and lots of ice. Please don’t be alarmed if your ice appears yellow, the EPA is pretty lax around here. Please note, there may be a slight upcharge in the beer because of the Straight of Hormuz situation. But, hey, that’s the “sacrifice for national security” y’all so happy to be paying at the pumps, right? Also, the Annex does not recycle. We take all the garbage and throw in it in the green space across the street. And it just magically floats away…

Since I am an empathic soul, I do my best to hire the ‘unhirables’ here at The Lowered. People who don’t have a ton of skill, experience and likely wouldn’t be hired anywhere else. Please be patient with them. They may even look familiar. Their names are Kristy, Pam, Greg and Todd. Please don’t be short with them, especially Greg. I had some woman in here last week looking for a job named Mullania? (The woman, not the job.)

I would also not be doing my job if I didn’t bring up that the Annex (really, I gotta come up with a better name for it) is available to rent. We can accommodate large groups. Hell, we had a fine group meeting here last Tuesday. Pretty sure these are a bunch of our regulars as well.

A fine bunch of folks

These crazy kids from Charlottesville are booked for next month. Hope Home Depot is well stocked.

So please keep The Lowered Bar and our Annex in mind for your food, drink, meeting and satire needs. The Annex can be accessed under the new construction of the White House Ballroom. See you at Happy Hour!

 

PAC Extras

This is one of those rare times when an idea comes to me, and I can be happy with what I bang out in a relatively short amount of time.

AI, JFC, let’s talk about it. Clearly, a lot of these pictures are AI. (Pay close attention, because there are easter eggs in just about all of them.) Some of the ideas turned out spot on, other ones not so much. For example, AI won’t let me use the actual picture of Trump’s documented poorly attended inaugurations, so it gets to be an actual dialog with the AI to get what I want. The hoops I had to jump through just for the newspaper image was stupid.

As a result of all the research for the pictures and ideas, I had to Google and AI some redic terms. For example, my vision for the first picture was to AI that sign over an old timey bar entrance. Guess what, can’t do that, at least if you’re not the president. And as a result of the ‘discussion’ I had with 2 AIs, I’m pretty sure I’ll get a knock on my door right after this goes live. Next time, someone remind me to keep track of what I have to Google/ask AI, because on the surface, I am sure it raises a red flag somewhere. But hopefully in a funny way.

Another easter egg I’m sure no one will get is the Permalink. Don’t worry, I didn’t know what that was at first as well. It’s a search engine optimization (SEO) trick that, theoretically, makes the post easier to find. The thought is to title the post so it pops up easier in search engines. If I just left it as it is, the title would appear something like Yes-Lowered-Bar-is-MAGA-Friendly. Which pops nowhere. Instead, in my usual underappreciated wit and brilliance, the permalink is MAGA-Friendly-bars-near-me. My hope is it finds a bigger audience based on people searching that term. Currently, Google “only” lists 86,000 results for that term. You see the joke now?