The Lowered Bar Merch Store Is Open

Friends (and creditors) I have some exciting news! The Lowered Bar Merch Store is now open! I am excited to share this first drop with you. Spend recklessly!

First things first. We’ve finally decided on some common logos-nudniks now call this “branding.” Here is our first waves of logos that you will see running through our merch.

Primary logo

Looks pretty legit, right? Not people’s faces on monkeys legit, but pretty regal. Like a beagle. You might be seeing that lowered limbo bar popping up in future drops. Note that cool TLB circle logo?

That  circle logo will be running through some of our merch, giving it a classy look.

 

And if there’s one thing we’ve learned from our sports teams, everyone loves alternate logos! Here’s one of ours, in classic tavern font. Now, onto our first merch drop.

HATS

The Classic True MAGA cap

Starting with the classic red Make Affordable Gas Again. Since we launched this bad boy, the only thing that has gone up more than the price of gas is the profits of said gas companies. Moron or not, we can all agree the price of gas is too damn high.

$20

 

The Respect Cap

A simple white hat with block gold embroidered TLB on front, alternate logo on back, and an important reminder to show respect printed under the brim. Never be out of etiquette with this one.

$20

 

 

 

More hats coming in our second drop.

 

HOCKEY JERSEYS
We love hockey here at TLB. To celebrate the best time of year in sports, we have a limited line up of hockey jerseys with special edition logos! Think of these as the alternate jerseys! Nothing says diehard fan with money to burn than to buy jerseys that are only worn a handful of times, then quickly replaced! This is for the true fan!

Classic jerseys

Two stylish choices! Our Felon 34 is a bar favorite, and only comes in sizes XXL and larger. That won’t fit? No worries for our smaller friends, we have the XS and S only of Patel 6…..7. Limited supply of both. We really do need to do a better job of sizing on these items.

$175

What’s that, you have more money left? Here are the alternate logo jerseys with our classic Felon 34! All sizes available.

$225

While we’re near the sporting goods of TLB Merch Store, check out these baddies

TLB golf balls

Perfect for when you’re spending 25% of your time golfing! These classily branded golf balls come in real handy for any of these common situations

                Golfing when you’re supposed to be working

                Golfing for when the rest of us are actually working

                Perfect to deflect from unnecessary wars

                Perfect to deflect from a sagging economy

                Great to take one’s mind off a trove of files saying you’re a pedo

                Wonderful escape from record low approval ratings. (Though not as low as your golf score, Club Champ!)

                Makes everyone forget about gas being $5 a GD gallon

                Reward for taking away minority and women’s access to vote

45 balls for $86

 

 

TECH/OFFICE

The Lowered Bar branded Roku remote

Right, why does one need this? Well, this is a special TLB commissioned remote. The breakthrough we’re happy to announce here is this remote will allow television consumers to -get this- CHANGE CHANNELS! That’s right, no more brain rot watching the fake news of Fox News. Imagine your deluded friend actually having the ability to navigate away from OAN (is that even a real channel, or just extremists buying public access hours?) to watch a different point of view. This TLB remote allows users to access such networks as CNN, Comedy Central and MS-as well as a zillion other channels (note, tv/cable/streaming services offered separately ) Personalities like Colbert, Kimmel, Maddow all available here, as well as people like Hannity, Kelly, Ingraham and Gutfeld.

$11.99 (batteries not included)

 

The Lowered Bar Phone Jail

Talk about a life saver! We all have that one uncle who tweets patently offensive stuff over night. Let’s save him the embarrassment of looking like a whack job idiot who is easily susceptible to any crack pot theory. And look, let’s be real here, this is a gift of true compassion. Dementia is a fucking horror, and we need to protect those clearly suffering from it. As you’re feeding your crazy uncle their third dinner of Mc Donald’s, just take their phone, place it is this jail, and lock it up till the morning. Everyone will thank you!

$199 (like you can put a price on something like this. But we did anyway.)

TLB Approved Calculator

                                    

Look at that beaut! Why use your phone, when you can look mad smart with this sleek and stylish hand held calculator? (Anyone else hearing The Price is Right music behind some of these descriptions?) Perfect for that Republi … uh, friend who is mathematically challenged. You’ll notice the big innovation here is dedicated percentages off buttons. Easy peasy for those tricky word problems. Plus, for our first 100 buyers (which also just happens to be the exact amount we have in stock) a free copy of Math for Idiots, so you don’t go embarrassing yourself in public. Or court hearings.

$19.99 (book comes free)

Calculator can also be used for-

TLB Prefilled Bribe Envelopes

Need to support a dictator? Need to support a nepo project? Need to curry favor for your media company? Need access to personal data? Need influence? These TLB Bribery Envelopes are perfect for you! Just fill out your name and amount, and consider it done! You won’t find these bad boys at Staples! Perfect for lower ranking officials as well.

10 envelopes for $15

The Lowered Bar dry erase calendar

               

This is an absolute must have for the executive who can’t keep track of time. Need to figure out when you have to let Congress know about a war? Constantly procrastinate important events by telling the underlings, “That’s about 2 weeks away. We’ll have it figured out by then.” Need to know when you have to TACO? Lost track of how many times to claim you’ve won the same war? The 3 days a week you're golfing? Scheduling in nap times? Hey, that’s a lot! Let this wall calendar keep track. With the TLB touch of Cheeto dust finger prints, this is great for the executive, officer or grifter.

 

HOME

The Lowered Bar Cushions

Take a little bit of the Bar back with you. Even we’re shocked how classy these cushions look, yet they will go with any décor. Super comfy, stylish and stuffed with shredded copies of the Constitution and unused KN95 masks, these fit any home and any décor. Sold as a set, with our 3 different logos.

Set of 3 for $79.99

Oh, my friends, but wait, there is more…

“Sexy” Lowered Bar Cushions

For the cushion lover in your circle. Oh, come on, we all have one. That one squirrelly looking dude you can’t leave alone with your couch after a few Skinny Girl Margaritas. We work very “hard” to cater to our perv crowd. You don’t even want to know the back and forth we had with our supplier to make these happen.

Available in white

               

Also available in a “couples” edition

               

Set of 3 (either set) $99.99 and no fucking questions asked

 

The Lowered Bar Dictionary

Look, words are difficult, we understand. It takes a lot for a competent brain to string together a bunch of words coherently. We realize this is a true need for some folks. For them, we created the TLB dictionary; the innovations being no large words, lots of pictures-some of which can be colored!, spelling, capitalization, proper use, phonetic pronunciations. This book will make any moron look…well we can’t say more competent, but it’s fair to say no less competent.

               

VARIOUS GOODS

TLB Caffeine Pills

               

A staff favorite to help us through our longer shifts. Why keep these to ourselves? Each individual pill packs 400 mg caffeine, where as most other bitchass pills stop at 250 mgs. These pills are a godsend for staying awake during meetings, funerals, televised press conferences, roundtables, Board of Peace meetings, documentary screenings and various summits. You need the energy, these caff pills give you a big, beautiful burst of energy.

One bottle (200 pills) $29.99

TLB Temp Tattoos

Temp tattoos are a great and fun way to express your individuality and help spread the TLB love. Coming in multiple sizes, these are particularly great for parties, distinguishing twins, hiding unsightly blemishes and suspect bruising. Pictures from actual buyers:

               

 

               

                Pack of 15 temp tattoos, various sizes $26.99

But wait, there’s more. For a limited time, we’re giving away a special, very special gift with any order. No minimum purchase! Just our way of thanking you for supporting an independent business like The Lowered. Any thing you buy gets you this very unlimited

               

The Best Whatever Award! That’s right, for doing absolutely nothing special or noteworthy, you get an award! This award look particularly great with other participation awards, meaningless online certifications, gaudy self portraits and Big Mouth Billy Bass! Just another way we appreciate you, our cherished Lowered Bar customer.

We’re already working on our second drop, which will feature the unveiling of our t-shirt line, hats and more unique merchandise that shows your support of The Lowered Bar. Stay tuned. In the meantime, buy recklessly.

 

PAC Content

By far, the heaviest AI imaging I’ve done. If viewing on your phone, I recommend blowing up the images, because there are some good Easter eggs for the discerning viewer.

With all the AI, I saved the “conversations” I had with the AI to get the images I envisioned. I saved them, and sooner rather than later, look for a behind the scenes follow up to this post. Suffice it to say, the dialogue is pretty ridiculous. I’m pretty sure I’m flagged somewhere for some of this shit.

If you do like this sort of content, please do me a huge solid and subscribe to the blog here on the TLB site. I suspect that these posts get lost in the algorithm (since all social media are owned by true jackals, AKA Trump supporters). You’re free to share the link as well. Much like Trump, I make zero money from this job. But I will accept bribes. I know where you can get some envelopes.

Yes, I am actively working on the second TLB merch drop. I have too many ideas for just one post.