Introducing The New Lowered Bar Phone!

I spent some time in what we’re still calling the Annex. I know, I know, we have to come up with a better name for that hive of scum and villainy. My main focus is getting the Lowered off the ground-solid pun, BTW. Much like King Orangey’s quote that a lot of folks are too stupid to be horribly offended by, right now, when it comes to the Annex, “I don’t think about The Annex’s financial situation.” The Annex seems pleased with that statement, those clowned fools.

While tending the bar and listening to the 50^th GD Jason Aldean song in a row, there was a lot of debate over the alleged “Trump Phone,” currently known as the T1. It seems the most gullible of the gullible put deposits down on the phone moons ago, and-shocker!-still don’t have the phone. Trump Mobile (ironic corp name since the real Trump is anything but mobile) suddenly now claims the phones are “coming.” (The Lowered already has a pool going when Trump Mobile will announce the T1 has been delayed for “two weeks.”)

Look, not to brag, but over the years, I’ve hitched my wagon to some pretty permanent technologies; physical music, digital cameras and robot vacuums to name just a few. I know an opportunity when I see one. It is with that in mind I proudly announce…

The TLB Phone!

Codenamed TLB1, we are super excited to unleash this utter piece of shit to those waiting for their Trump Mobile T1. Let’s take a look at the features that set this piece of dogshit apart from the T1 piece of dogshit.

First, I am sure no one in their rational mind is remotely familiar with the T1, so here’s what it is supposed to look like, as of today

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Wait, that might be wrong. It might look like this

The gold standard of gauche. 

Or it could also look like this

Fugly

Which of course is a low level knock off of a low level knock off, multiple sources report this:

Many of those reports refute Dump’s claim that the phone is made in the USA. Just about all of his tchotchkes are made in 3^rd world countries, so there is little reason to doubt that. We all know he is the most favorite dictator in polls of 3^rd world child labor.

You’re right to ask, “Yo, Kev, what separates the TLB piece of shit from the sleepy pedo’s piece of shit?” Friend, I’m glad you asked. Let’s take a look at what makes the TLB the must have vanity phone of the season.

Let’s talk about the colors (ahem, I said the colors for the racists hard of hearing out there.)

While the T1 comes in what can only be called “trailer trash gold,” the TLB 1 comes in 4 fashionable colors; Cheeto Orange, Yellow Belly, Arian White and at an extra charge American Flag Blue. Being honest here, if American Flag Blue is your thing, order now because the price just shot up again. And again. Wow, and again! We can have the discussion about why color matters when you just put it in a case later on. And yes, we do have cases in the exact same color, with American Flag Blue priced higher, you dumb rubes.

Our tax money, hard at work. Does this make the pool more reflectory? (Yes, I made that up, not a typo.)

 

 

Next up the features. To keep it simple for the mentally challenged, the TLB only runs on 2G.

I mean you still get wifi, the advantage is propaganda channels like OAN, Fox News, Fox Business and several podcasts still come in loud and clear. And don’t worry, we tested these in the basements of right wingers, and the wifi is still strong enough to connect. Mostly.

We love music here at TLB, and the TLB 1 comes preloaded with Kid Rock’s entire catalog. Don’t worry about deleting it, it automatically reinstalls. And we don’t stop there, it also comes preloaded with the catalogs of Morgan Wallen, Aarons Lewis and Tippen, P Diddy, David Allen Coe and R Kelly. I am sure there are more racist singers I am not aware of. And I’m also sure you guys can tell me all about it.

Now let’s talk apps. Because we all know we need to spend more time staring at our tiny, life-sucking boxes doomscrolling. Spoiler alert, the bar is only getting lower. Of course this comes with a premium Truth Social account, for an extra 4.95 a month. Yes, Truth Social is free (I think), but if you gullible sheep are happy paying north of $5 for gas, you should be used to paying a nice guy like me more for nothing. It's lower than the price of just one gallon of gas! For now. You have heard of Trump Steaks? And Trump University? And Trump Mobile? And Trump Mortgage? And Trump RX? A premium feature of this premium account is SpellCheck permanently turned off. We also provide a free 90 subscription to the KidFuckers app Yea, don’t worry, apparently most people don’t seem to worry about this sort of thing. You guys sure don’t seem too concerned.

TLB 1 comes with a nameless virtual assistant named Nameless that takes the blame for racist and homophobic user posts. That’s right, you can scream all the whack shit you think, then blame it on someone else. Everyone wins and no one gets hurt! Like the T1 and all other Trump merch, this will be made oversees from the tiny-but talented- hands of Congo children. But we offer them performance based incentives like free trips to Epstein island.

Of course, all these apps are unsecured, so no worries texting vital messages. If Signal is good enough for Kash Patel, it’s mighty fine for you, low commoner.

OK, bit of a thread jack here, when I keep saying T1, does anyone flash back to this?

How many times I spelled boobs on this one.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out this phone is absolutely compatible with TLB phone jail, that is available at out merch store. Which is a good thing, because who could possibly deal with the embarrassment of a diminished relative tweeting whack shit at all hours of the night? No, that’s not worrisome behavior. Fine, fine, perfectly fine.

Cross merchandising, baby!

Speaking of, the calculator interface exactly matches TLB calculator. Which also, happens to be  available for sale at TLB merch store. It’s 500% more better than other calculators! And, as a special bonus, each TLB1 phone comes with a 10% off deal for anything at TLB merch store!

Nonrefundable $400 deposits for TLB 1 are being taken now. This price will not be steep at all when you get the refund check for all the illegal tariffs. Actual phones will start to ship in…wait for it….waaitt for it….2 weeks! *Please note there will be a slight upcharge for anyone not white. Or male. Or “Christian.” Or a citizen. Or a liberal. But this isn’t an issue for most people, just be ready to have all the paperwork for completion of sale! With all of these fantastic features, I almost forgot to mention the price. It’s a deal at a cost of GO FUCK YOU, MORON! Who are you going to call to complain? Ha ha ha!

PAC Content

If this post seems a bit rushed and light on the visuals, you’re right. And I’m fucking angry about it-in case you couldn’t pick that up. Here’s why. As I’m sure you all read in the last awesome TLB Merch Store post, I went deep into AI imagery. I had the same ideas for this one. Until, with no warning AI dropped the capability to edit and even create original imagery. I’ve mostly been using Co-Pilot. And I even had some images I was refining. Images like these.

You can see what I was going for. And then, minutes later, it told me it no longer had the capability to do anything with pictures. Even though it just did, and did 2 weeks ago for the previous post. And, TBH, I got very angry, very quick. I called Co-Pilot literally every name in the book. I used every insult I could say, and much like the MAGA sheep, it still kept coming back. Yes, I got into an argument with AI, and, yes, I sorely need a real job fast.

As I went into other AI (Gemini, Claude, GPT), the issue with the free versions (you did see I’m still unemployed, right?) you get a very low limit on the questions you can ask. And it can take multiple attempts to dial the image in. Like every other unemployed loser, I use AI to create fantastic lies with my various resumes. I mean, like no one is going to verify the lies I made up about old jobs that don’t exist anymore, right?  And they all differ with what I can do with political images. It’s a huge clusterfuck for a blog no one reads. So, yea, if you or anyone you know is actually good with PhotoShop, can ya hook a brother up. Don’t worry, I’ll be exactly like Trump and not fucking pay them. ZING!

And this makes me rethink the idea I had with the last entry to actually post parts of the discussion I have with AI to dial the images in. Is it really worth it at this point? Yes, I think it will be funny (like ALL my stuff) and insightful, but is there a point to it? Shout me your thoughts.

Let’s be honest, I feel pretty confident that NO AI would allow me to create an app called Kid Fuckers. Only politicians have that power.

When I woke up today, it was like there was a voice (at least a new voice with all the other ones I hear) that said, “Today, you must use your unique gifts to give the world yet another anti Trump post, but please weave in Get Smart, Lionel Richie and Texas Instruments.” You’re welcome, world!

Yes, the format is shit, something about one of the pics screwed everything else up. I appreciate y’all putting up with it, my tolerance for further bullshit today is low.