"Anybody Know a Guy?"

         Yea, yea, yea, I know; I’ve been quiet lately. I love me a good summer day, music in my ears, swinging in the sweet breeze whilst in my hammock. Looking at pictures of beaches I’m not at. Summer is the season of “kicking back.” Taking it easy. Enjoying, recharging; night strolls, reading, cicadas, live music. Yup, I’ve been largely checking out of the news lately. Not the best strategy, I know. We live in bizarre times. We get more honest news from the former host of The Man Show than the actual president. Honestly, it hurts to write/think about some of this stuff. I already got enough shit in my worId, I don’t need any more of the orange squirts. I know the webs have been missing my necessary style of insight, sarcasm, wit, humor and honesty. It’s a calling I sometimes wish I didn’t feel.

The bad news comes faster than all my job rejection emails. It’s fucking hard to keep up with Don "Algae" Trump.  (That's a fucking smart and witty phonetic joke, I don't care what side of the fence you are on.) As soon as I come up with a joke, there’s been 15 more epic errors that appear. It’s hard to keep up with for just one guy. I mean, Kimmel has a staff of writers. The Daily Show has multiple hosts and writers. (Speaking of, anyone else developing a borderline unhealthy crush on Desi Lydic? She put the fox in Foxplain. I’d write with her any day. Multiple times.)

 

Umm...yes.

Now that we’re in the summertime, the cartels at Home Depot and Lowes will have you believe you are living in a hovel, and NOW is the time to fix up the ol’ dump you live in. Don’t forget the landscaping either, amigo. Summer is the perfect time for new doors, windows, appliances, bathroom re-dos, flooring, lighting, big white tarps, flowers, maybe frame out some new walls. Yup, summer is the perfect time for all of that; until we get to the fall. Woo boy, don’t get me started about the shit to do in the fall. Of course, good luck doing all this, because the price of everything has shot up over the last few months. Word is the 20 foot skeleton will now set you back the price of a ticket to UFC 250.

The 20 foot skeleton is slightly cheaper than a real skeleton. So I hear.

Now I’m thinking it’s time to spruce up the Lowered and especially the Annex. (Yes, the Annex will be going under a name change shortly. That seems to be the in thing lately.) To be clear, none of this is my specialty. I just look at a hammer and I bleed. I need some help here, and I’m hoping that’s where you come in. I have lots of ideas I want to get done in short order. Ideas like-

A reflecting pool for The Annex

Turns out due to some sketchy concrete, I now have a recessed, rectangular space right by the Annex. Originally, my idea was to get-ahem-donors to pay. Ideally, the actual customers of the Annex. I’ve slowly been raising the price of a pint of beer. And when said customers grumble, I immediately said they are fucking unAmerican and to look at their bank account. They quickly shut their sheep mouths, and paid up. Unlike the water currently in the reflecting pool, it has now become clear to me, I need government assistance. It’s a small foot print, think 5x10. My initial estimate was 2 million dollars. The Annex denizens didn’t want to pay, so now the most logical thing is I need the tax payers to pay. I took a second look, and with new irrigation, low cost dark paint, a zillion gallons of hydrogen peroxide, the estimate is now 47 million dollars. Features I desire

                A slimy Hulk green pee color to the water

                A sealant that will peel up in a few days

                Unchecked algae growth. Algae makes penicillin, right? Score!

                Ideally, this is a ‘no bid’ contract

Seriously, this is the guy who did the reflecting pool. For real. Not a joke, not AI. Yes, he really does look like a bad guy from a Bullwinkle cartoon.

                Preferably, go overbudget, and incur astronomical upkeep costs

                Unrelated, the National Guard needs to keep vigil over this. I’m pretty sure there is nothing going on anywhere else, that I can use them here.

So……uh….. “Anybody know a guy?”

 

Massive upgrade to the Annex

Uh, yea, I failed to realize the square footage here is woefully inaccurate for whatever it is we do here. My vision is 25,000 square feet. This is about 25x the original footprint. Possibly some underground space, drone protection for some reason. Specifically-

                Originally, some ‘donors’ would pay

                That is not likely to happen, so instead I need some grifter to secure about $100 million in government funding. But be prepared to ask for double that.

                Preferably this money can be swindled from sick people, higher taxes, the poors and the like

                Someone who can knock part of the Annex down with no silly permits or government approval. (I already started.) If we move quick enough, no one can stop us!

                Like, solid gold everything. The gaudy factor needs to be high here.

                Again, no bid contract.

                I plan to have the biggest balls here. The best balls in the history of the world.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

We need to raise the visibility of both bars.

The Lowered Bar Arch

Nothing raises visibility and goodwill than a good old fashioned vanity project that is not needed. The idea here is to place a totally unnecessary arch somewhere in town. And slap the shit out of it with tacky TLB logos, scary sea shells, 86 47s. Knuckledraggers see this and immediately come running. Makes sense, right? I’m already calling it The Lowered Barch. What I need here

                Make it look authoritarian, but not “too authoritarian”

I asked AI to come up with a more offensive image. The message I got back: 

That image can't be generated due to Microsoft's code of conduct. Please start a new conversation

 

                At least 250 feet tall, tall enough to ruin the view of anything. From any perspective. Bonus points if it can scrape the bottom of a plane.

                Make this a priority over such meaningless things like health care, women’s rights, a senseless war we just gave away, education, science, etc

                A large piece of land I can call imminent domain over and swindle for free

                I dunno, I guess like an architect or 2? Maybe I need them for the Annex upgrade, too?

“Anybody know a guy?”

Trump GD whitewashing again

Somewhat related, I will also need big white tarps for this project, as well as the rename of The Annex

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

Also, to raise awareness we need an event, some kind of cheesy spectacle….hmm…I can put in the parking lot….hmmm. OK, thinking out loud here-

                Bumifights still a thing?

                Anyone have friends over at the Slap Fight League or whatever it’s called?

                But strictly highbrow stuff. ESPN Ocho type events. Slippery stairs? Coffin wrestling? Coffin racing? Bubble gum blowing championships? Pillow fighting? Lingerie Football League still around? I need to appeal to the discerning consumer here with wads of money to blow.

                Again, I don’t wanna pay for any of this. So I will likely need corporate sponsors. Who’s got the hook up? (Pretty sure Monster was none too happy sponsoring an event where the human pillow fell asleep yet again.)

I'm sure the fine folks at Monster really appreciated this image.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

Now, on the off chance I don’t get the gubbermint to cover all this nonsense, I might have to raise some of this capital myself. What’s a quick way to shake down the rubes with some worthless nonsense?

Crypto!

                I have no idea how this works, and I’m pretty sure no one else does.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

Commemorative Coins!

                I would like to sell a small piece of metal for an exorbitant price that holds no value. I even went ahead and did the mock up.

                                                                                                   

“So…uh…anybody know a guy?”

               

Also, I need this all done within 2 weeks.

“Anybody know a guy?”

 

PAC Content

All the sports I listed in the ESPN Ocho joke are real sports that air on Ocho or bizarre Roku channels. Yes, I am still looking for a job.

Half baked or out of place jokes I edited out, but put here:

He couldn’t drain a swamp, it’s a reach to think he can even drain a pool correctly.

He claims most of the debris hauled out of the reflecting pool was from the Obama era. Like, how would he even know? But then again, he does have a history of dating trash. (BAZING!)

Alternate titles for the reflecting pool now; The Orange Fool and His Green Pool, Snowflake Lake, The Deflecting Pool

Good on Friday, Co Pilot AI using 86 and 47 for the gold coin image. Suddenly no good on Sunday, using 86 and 47 for TLB arch. Co Pilot should be the garbage that was dredged from the pool. Probably Obama has something to do with it.

That being said, I did use up my brief free allotment on Playground, and got as close as this. If you’re a musician, think of this as a demo for song.

Subsequently, I started using Gemini, and have found the experience wwaayyyyy better. Fuck Co Pilot.